Hannah Montana Forever
by StupidSequel
Summary: Miley starts smoking to prove to her friend who started smoking that quitting is easy, but it backfires. In the subplot, Jackson's interest in a particular teen pop sensation lands him in trouble. This fanfic is named for a reason you'll hate me for.


**Hannah Montana Forever**

**(this is a sequel to the Hannah Montana movie)**

Robbie and Jackson walked in on Miley wearing nothing but a sexy lingerie, doing pole dances against the broom. Their jaws dropped to da flo. Jake was grinning ear to ear.

"Incest is wrong, boi," Robbie said to him as if he read his mind.

"No, dad, we are all God's children, so if you think about it, no matter who anyone on the planet marries, they are always committing incest." Jackson countered. Beat. Then Robbie vomited.

"YOU MEAN YOUR MOTHER IS A RELATIVE OF MINE?" Robbie steamed.

"Dude, she's dead. You know that she had to die in order for the prophecy to come true." Jackson asserted.

"You know as well as I do that we musn't ever, EVER speak about the," and then Robbie whispered in Jackson's ear, "rophecypay." Jackson nodded. "But I never, in my life, have ever thought of your mother as a relative. It never came up."

"What prophecy?" Miley chirped, ears pricked.

"It was a joke. Now get back to watching your Disney porn tape like any good kid would these days," Robbie advised. Miley had a TV in her bedroom and got back to watching her Disney porn tape. Miley was texting her best friend, Lily. She was texting all the legitimate plot twists of the Disney porn tape. Miley's pet cockatoo would not shut up. It was distracting her from the movie.

"SHUT UP, YOU STUPID BIRD!" Miley screamed. When the bird would not be quiet, Miley picked up the TV set and threw it at the cage. That got the bird to shut up. "Now I can watch my cartoon in peace and quiet." Miley found herself staring at a blank wall where the TV had been a few moments ago. "God dammit," she spat. "Way too anticlimactic. I thought Woody and Buzz were gonna make a baby, now there's this static screen the exact same color as the wall. Wait a second..." She looked over at Cackle's cage (she named her cockatoo Cackle) to see what she had thrown at it. It was the TV. The screen was b0rked. "NOOOO!" Miley screamed while staring at the ceiling. "Oh hey, Cackle. Wanna come out?" When Miley pulled her hand toward Cackle, he hissed at her and nipped at her. "I'm sawwy birdy. We cool?" Miley cooed. Cackle rubbed his head against Miley's hand. Awww.

Miley called Lily. "You know how to fix TV's right? Uh huh. Well, I guess that's okay."

Jackson and Robbie were too busy fighting with each other about what exactly is the extension of the definition of incest to notice that Lily had come over. She didn't bother asking if she could come over because she was counting on this exact event to transpire. Miley led Lily into her room. "Don't sneeze," she told Lily as she lifted up the TV into an upright position, trying not to disturb the powdery pile of glass shards. "In fact, don't even breathe at all. Some of those glass shards are so fine that they can ride the air currents and enter the respiratory system, and let me tell you, glass shards piercing the inside your windpipe are not fun at all," she warned, her voice growing lower and lower in inflection, especially on those last few words.

"Well then, how am I supposed to smoke my cigarettes?" Lily asked, seemingly proud of herself at poking a hole in Miley's logic.

"Come again?" Miley sounded confused.

"Don't you know that I started smoking? It's fun. You should try it."

"But I own a bird. If you smoke, then the bird dies."

"So? It's just a bird. You can always get another one," Lily smirked. Miley bit her tongue. Lily's, not her own. Miley wrestled for Lily's cigarettes, but Lily kept them to her side. Tho it wasn't easy, but Miley managed to purloin the cigarettes.

"Give em back, Miley, or there will be Secret of NIMH 2 to pay." Miley knew perfectly well that it meant worse than hell, but she wasn't scared. She got out a cigarette. "You better not be smokin my shit!" Lily warned angrily.

"Relax, mate. I'm not gonna smoke em." She spat on it instead. And she spat on all the cigarettes as well.

"NOO! Now what am I supposed to smoke! My parents are gonna kill me because it's their money that I spend on these cigarettes." Lily was hyperventilating. "Uh oh! What you said earlier about the glass shards in the air!" Lily screamed in pain. Miley left her friend lying there in her room.

"I got some shit to do today," she said to herself, and when she passed by the bathroom, she dropped the cigarettes in the toilet and flushed.

There was finally a break in the drama between Jackson and Robbie. Jackson was writing his Christmas list. One of the items on it was Rico's debut album, _My Planet 3.0_. He was a huge fan of the radio's newest teen pop star. Christmas was only two weeks away. _Screw the haters. _The other items on the Christmas list were: a hertz donut, a copy of Superman 64, a DVD of The Final Destination, a bootleg copy of just the birth scene from Breaking Dawn part 1, and a Nintendo Virtual Boy. He added a note at the bottom of the list that read 'I swear to God if you don't get me all of the items on this list, I will murder you with my AK-47.' Jackson really did have an AK-47. Don't ask me how or why he got such a thing, I don't even know. Robbie always did all of the holiday shopping all of the time.

He finally worked up the courage to show his dad his Christmas list. While Robbie was reading through the list, Jackson was getting increasingly more and more antsy.

"Son." Robbie uttered. Jackson gulped. "You plan to shoot me with your AK-47 if I don't give you all the items on this Christmas list? I'll try extra hard then, to give you all you want." Jackson sighed a sigh of relief. That's not what he was concerned aboot. Robbie chuckled.

"One of the items is Rico's debut album? COME. ON! He sings like a girl and sings aboot young love, and most of the internet hates him. You should be ashamed to be a high school aged male AND like his music." Does this remind you of anything?

"What, were you thinking of NOT getting me that CD? Remember the AK-47 threat? Besides, I worship him. If there was an official church of Rico, I would gladly change my religion. Christianity sucks." _No one is gonna rain on my parade and tell me that there is a particular music I should be ashamed to listen to._

Back to Miley's side of the story.

Miley was thinking to herself, _I need a job. These days, everybody in class has a job and I don't wanna be left out._She rode her segway all the way to the Quick E Mart. She saw a shadow in front of her own. Miley turned around. It was Lily. Miley sped up faster. She came in, taking advantage of the fact that there was a sign outside that said 'NOW HIRING.' She filled out her application and turned it in. Now to play the waiting game.

Robbie glanced at the calendar. Ten days until Christmas. "Oh shit, gotta hurry if I am to get all of these items." He examined Jackson's list. "Hertz donut, eh? I don't have to do any shopping for that one. He must think a hertz donut is an actual donut, but instead, I punch him and say 'hurts, don't it?' Guess that simplifies things a little bit. Okay, next item is a copy of Superman 64. Piece of cake."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T SELL N64 GAMES ANYMORE?" Robbie shouted angrily while giving the clerk guy the middle finger.

"Dude, the N64 is obsolete now. Where have you been since 2006? We only have games for the following systems now: DS, 3DS, Xbox 360, PS3, Wii. That's it. If you want, you can get a Wii and download Superman 64 for the Virtual Console."

"Ain't you ever heard of 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it? I was fine with getting physical cartridges. Good day, sirs. If GameStop doesn't have what I seek, perhaps Book and Music exchange."

Robbie tried Book and Music exchange. They had some N64 games, but did they have Superman 64? Let's see. Super Mario 64, Metroid 64, Donkey Kong 64, Pokemon Stadium, Conker's Bad Fur Day, what's this? Robbie's favorite band, Green Lantern's Ass. He also loved Hitler ate Sugar. There were CD's of both bands. He got both and completely forgot about Superman 64 until he saw someone else walk out with it. So he discreetly got behind them and took it from their bag, and he got away with it!

Robbie crossed off the The Final Destination DVD, and now the next item was 'a bootleg copy of the birth scene from Breaking Dawn part 1.' Robbie knew that Jackson wasn't really into Twilight, just interested in the birth scene. Piece of cake. He knew that shit was technically illegal, but it's still better than dying at the hand of his AK-47 wielding son.

He went up to the box office of the Dixie Baker's Dozen movie theater.

"One-" _Wait a sec. If I get only one ticket, this guy will think I have no social life, and I don't wanna be persecuted for the Asperger's that I don't have. _"I mean, two tickets for 'Breaking Dawn part 1.' One of the tickets is for my girlfriend who hasn't made it here yet." Robbie made that part up. He did not have a girlfriend. He hadn't dated at all since mum died from Cthulhu. Yes. Cthulhu in the flesh had killed Miley's mom.

"That'll be $9001.00, please." Robbie gave him $9001.00 and he got two tickets in return.

"No wonder people pirate movies these days," he whispered, barely audibly. He waited for his imaginary girlfriend when something caught his eye. A sign. It read 'WARNING: About 90 minutes into the film Breaking Dawn Part 1, there is a scene with flashing lights that has been known to cause seizures in people who have epileptic conditions. Please keep this in mind.' _I hope to God this doesn't coincide with the birth scene, or my son is a goner. Then again, I'll be a goner myself if I don't film it. I have to let the guy at the box office watch my girlfriend who I don't have walk in to greet me, but I don't wanna miss any of the movie because what if I miss the birth scene? What if they decided to be trolls and put the birth scene right at the beginning?_

A random lady walked in and Robbie greeted her with a "Hi, miss Angel! You made it just in time for our movie date to see Breaking Dawn part 1." The lady made a grunting sound, gave him an angry look, and walked off, head held high.

"Thought she was someone I knew. Anyway, she's cheating on me, and the movie starts in," Robbie looked at his watch. "About 50 seconds till the movie starts." He ran to theater 5. Just in time for the movie to start. There were no previews. All the movies at this cinema started at exactly their scheduled time, with no previews. He was surrounded by middle school aged girls. In fact, Robbie was the only adult and the only male in the theater.

"That old man is scary. I hope he's not a pedophile," someone sitting behind him said.

"Hey dude, you're too old to like Twilight," the person sitting next to the girl said. Robbie himself did not like Twilight. He really wanted to tell them that he did not like Twilight, that he was on an espionage mission, but that would involve feeding the trolls, something he did not believe in. So he kept his mouth shut. He overheard someone say "I hope I can stomach the birth scene. I heard reports of the birth scene giving people seizures." Robbie's tummy lurched.

_I can't believe I have to sit through this shitty movie just to record one scene. But once the scene is over and done with, I can just walk out of the theater. _He kept reminding himself that he was on a mission, that he did not come here of his own accord. _The birth scene better be near the beginning somewhere._

86 minutes later, still no birth scene. Robbie felt like his brain was melting. _If I walk out of here, I might miss the birth scene. _Not long after that, it was time to get out his digital camera. He held the digital camera ever so discreetly, careful not to alert anyone to its awesomeness, and prepared to film the birth scene. It was gory. It was disturbing. It was iridescent. It was emotional. It was... good. Not the camera, the birth scene. (AN: I have not gone to see Breaking Dawn part 1. Just sayin).

When the birth scene concluded, Robbie found himself being escorted out of the theater because he was recording the movie, and that's a form of copyright infringement.

"Thank you officers for getting me out of that godawful movie. I don't even like Twilight. Okay, next item on the list is a Nintendo Virtual Boy." The Final Destination, My Planet 3.0, and the Virtual Boy were all gotten at Book and Music exchange. That was everything on the list. Now to wrap everything up in wrapping paper.

Miley got a call from the Quick E. Mart saying she was hired. YIPPEE!

Her first day at work, Lily came in and wanted to buy a carton of cigarettes. "I cannot sell those to you. I do not wish to help my friend kill herself," Miley said. Lily stuck out her middle finger.

"Why is it any of your business if I smoke or not? I hope you get fired!" Lily reprimanded. Miley stood in front of the cigarettes, unzipped her fly, and peed on the cigarette cartons. Wait, girls can pee standing up, right? I don't know, so I'll just assume they can because asking a real live girl to confirm or deny is just too much work. After she was done peeing on the cigarette, she turned back to Lily.

"Still want them now?" Miley teased.

"I'll just go to a different convenience store." Lily retorted, and stormed out through the automatic doors.

"YOU DID NOT LET A CUSTOMER BUY CIGARETTES, AND THEN YOU PISSED ALL OVER THEM? I AM ASHAMED I HIRED YOU," her manager exploded in a fiery rage that made hell look like a mere spark.

"I can assure you I did it with the best of intentions. I could not let my friend kill herself with these death sticks," Miley said proudly.

"YOU'RE FIRED, AND IN THIS ECONOMY, I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SAID 'YOU'RE FUCKED.'"

Miley decided there was only one way to settle matters now, and it was a last resort she hoped she would not have to do. _I will start smoking myself, and then quit immediately after, to show Lily that all this melodramatic crap about smoking being hard to quit is all bull._

Lily was surprised to see Miley smoking a cigarette.

"Great. Now we can be true friends," Lily cheered. Miley was done smoking, and she put out the cigarette in the ashtray. Three or four minutes later...

"See, Lily. Quitting smoking is as easy as one two three. If I can do it, surely- hold on." Miley felt the urge to grab another cigarette. "I'll quit for sure after this one," she said as the nicotine slowly poisoned her young, sexy brain. "See Lily, quitting is as easy as- hold on." Miley grabbed a third cigarette. And then a fourth. And then a fifth. And then a... you get the idea. That is, if you can count. "Crap, it IS true that quitting smoking is hard."

Finally it was Christmas Day, the day before Miley's birthday. Miley will turn 18 tomorrow. Jackson unearthed his AK-47 in preparation for if he did not get all of his Christmas presents. He looked under the tree and counted the presents with his name on them. There was one short. He cocked the gun.

"You're dead, motherfu-" Robbie interrupted Jackson as he punched Jackson playfully on the side and said "Hurts, don't it?"

"That's what a hertz donut is? Oh, I see what you did there. I was stupid enough to think that it was an actual donut that I could eat. I mean, how can you eat a punch?" Jackson opened his other presents. They were a copy of Superman 64, a DVD of The Final Destination, a DVD labeled 'birth scene from Breaking Dawn part 1', Rico My Planet 3.0, and a Nintendo Virtual Boy. AWESOME! That was everything on his list, so he did not have to shoot his dad sevenfold. He loaded up Breaking Dawn in the DVD player and pressed play. When the scene passed, instead of Jackson getting a seizure, Jackson's eyes had fallen to the floor. The scene was THAT graphic. Jackson picked up his eyes and put them back in. _That was weird as hell._

He then listened to his Rico My Planet 3.0, with singles such as 'Two Times' 'Infant' and 'Always Say Always' on full blast w/o headphones, just in time for Miley to get home in a pissy mood.

"DEY TURK ER JEERBS!" she half-screamed while she was lighting a cigarette. Jackson couldn't let her kill her bird with the cigarette smoke, so he snuck into her room and opened the cage and then the window. One problem: Miley was heading there also, to cry out her frustrations and her sorrows, and to sleep off the day's adventures. Her cockatoo (forgot its name, too lazy to check on what I named it) flew out the window to escape from Miley's cigarette smoke.

Jackson was waiting in the school lunch line at school. Some1 asked him what he got for Christmas.

"I got The Final Destination, a bootleg DVD copy of just the birth scene from Breaking Dawn part 1, Superman 64, a Nintendo Virtual Boy, a hertz donut, and Rico My Planet 3.0."

"You're such a fag. Those are all terrible gifts, especially that last one. Rico sings like a girl. It is not okay to like his music. If the New World Order ever put people who enjoy listening to Rico's shitty music in FEMA camps, I'm all for it. Although I admit, it takes chutzpah to watch the Breaking Dawn part 1 birth scene all the way thru and to still keep going strong after a hertz donut." Today's special was pizza. SWEET! Until...

"Today's special is pizza. You know what they say, you gotta eat your vegetables." The main course was pizza. The only sides were a wheat roll and a fruit cup. Say that three times fast.

"Why do you consider pizza a vegetable?" Jackson demanded.

"Because we read everything off a teleprompter without thinking about what we are saying." the lunch lady replied. "Aren't you gonna get your meat?." Jackson already got his meatlover's pizza. What could she possibly mean by 'meat'? He had his fruit cup and his pizza and his peach smoothie. That leaves one other possibility.

"You count wheat rolls as meat? What's next, peaches are dairy products now?" The lunch lady nodded.

"You are correct, sir. Since some students here are lactose intolerant, we have to use peach smoothies now instead of milk. Now peaches count as dairy products now, including the ones that reside in your fruit cup." One of the students snuck out of line to go mess with the teleprompter. He typed random strings of letters on it. Jackson remembered this coming weekend and Miley's birthday. Miley's 18th birthday was uneventful, just presents that Miley gave to herself, and they were more cartons of cigarettes. There was no cake. No party, either. That was far from an ideal 18th birthday. Jackson was thinking of supporting his sister at the upcoming Hannah Montana concert this weekend. But how can she sing onstage if she's a smoker?

"OIAHN WOION J WJIWRIOIO JHIO JHIO T" the lunch lady said. Everyone laughed. That brought Jackson back to the present. "Jackson is an idiot for liking Rico's music." Everyone laughed even louder.

On the way from lunch, Jackson stopped to use the restroom. Every other urinal was full, and so was every stall. He decided to wait it out because it was an unspoken rule that men should not use consecutive urinals. When he went into a stall after someone was done with it, someone climbed over the top and held him by the feet, and dunked his head in the toilet. After he had already peed in it.

"You like Rico's music, so you deserve to drown in the toilet." He let him out just in time. By that, I mean 'one second before he would pass out from holding his breath.' "I'll tell the principal on you." Jackson threatened. So he grabbed the other student by the arm and dragged him to the principal's office, which was conveniently right across from the mens' room.

"Principal Pokey, this guy tried to drown me in the mens' room because I confessed to enjoying Rico's music. Please expel him, or call the police. Something." But the principal had a completely different agenda.

"Cody Crunk, you did the right thing trying to drown someone who listens to this mainstream crap. If I'm going to call the police, it would be because you, Jackson Stewart, chose to listen to such a shitty artist." Jackson couldn't believe this. This could be the beginning of the New World Order.

It was the weekend, finally. Time for the Hannah Montana concert. But Hannah (Miley dressed in a blond wig, a midriff baring tube top, and skinny jeans to show off her butt that's so big it might as well be a butt snake, or, in Layman's terms, a tail. Hannah had to be careful not to even take a puff of a single cigarette or her secret identity could risk get found out. She was so protective of her secret identity, she would be willing to try to conceal it even from God. But that's pointless, since the Guy is basically omnipotent. On her way to the stage, she found something that increased her troubles sevenfold-fold. One of them old timey cigarette machines. It called to her in a raspy voice, "HANNAH! HANNAH!" in the same style as the slot machine calling 'Franklin' in that one episode of the Twilight Zone. She had to choose between cigarettes and her singing career. A devil appeared on one shoulder and an angel on the other.

"You must seize the moment and sing them a song they'll never forget. Drugs are bad. M'kay?" The angel said.

"Don't listen to the angel. Cigarettes rock. They're awesome," the devil said.

"I'll listen to you, mister devil, because you have a cooler voice and are wearing a tank top, and because I like cigarettes." Hannah said to the devil. The devil purred.

She took a cigarette pack from the machine and took it on stage. Instead of her usual 'Best of Both Worlds' or 'Nobody's Perfect' she sang something a little unorthodox.

"I like cigarettes and I cannot lie, me and Lola can't deny. When..." I'm 2 lazy 2 do the rest.

Someone in the audience came up onstage and shouted into the mike "Hannah Montana is Miley Cyrus. I figured that out because I know that Miley smokes, and Hannah is smoking, too. Where does this lead to? Well, Miley accidentally burned herself on the cheek, and it's still there on Hannah." All the audience gasped. They formed an angry mob and chased Miley offstage. A couple strong cheerleader ladies escorted her to a tall wooden stake outside the California Fair and Exposition Center. They tied her up until she couldn't move, poured gasoline on the base, and set it alight.

"We know the truth now, so you must burn!" I wanna say she died in the fire. I really do. So, why am I not? Cuz that's not at all what happened. Just as her nerve endings were about to be burned off, causing her to not feel anything afterward, she was instantly healed, with some kind of force field surrounding her. Her dad was among the bystanders.

"What's happening? Why am I not burning to death?" Hannah was puzfuzzled.

"Miley, when you were born, we wanted you to live forever because your mom's first born was a miscarriage, so I made a talisman, put mom's soul inside it but at the cost of her life, and made you swallow it. Then if you kept your identity secret until your eighteenth birthday, the talisman would do its magic. Since you didn't get found out until after your eighteenth birthday, you are now immortal, and nothing bad can ever happen to you ever again, and you can continue your music career ad infinitum." This is why the fanfic is called Hannah Montana Forever. Because Hannah Montana is immortal now. Where was Jackson during all of this? Well...

"Jackson Percy Stewart, you're sentenced to 390 years in prison for liking Rico's music, no parole or bail." The judge banged the gavel. Jackson was sent to the penitentiary. DUN DUN DUN! (AN: I agree that the treatment of Jackson for liking Rico's music was overkill and I do not condone it. It's just meant to be a gross exaggeration of Justin Bieber hatedom. I mean gross as in both disgusting and the number 144).


End file.
